Atlantis University
by lymbis
Summary: Night school in Atlantis. Need I say more? Note: I have corrected Chapter 1 by adding a new class! The mistakes that were pointed out to me have been tended to. Thanks for the R&R's!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any claim to Stargate Atlantis or its affiliates or any other show I may reference. I just enjoying watching TV and writing fan fiction.

This is my first fan fic and I would love reviews (pretty please). Flames work too (I like fire). Thanks to Gundambaby for helping me explore ideas and get up the courage to post this. Thanks to beta husband for (obviously) betaing.

Atlantis University

1000 Light year Way

Atlantis, PG 3.194

Welcome student to the new and as yet improved Atlantis University, AU for short. We would like to introduce the staff who has so humbly volunteered to mold your young minds.

Professor Teyla Emmagan comes to us from a lovely planet known as Athos. She will be teaching women's self defense, self defense for dummies and will be guest spotting in our home economics class.

Professor Ronan Dex is from Sateda. He is a specialist in just about everything. He will be teaching advanced self defense for dummies (males only), field survival for dummies, and will be guest lecturer for the home economics class.

Major Evan "my left foot" Lorne will be teaching The Arts. This will range from modern to classical oil painting, water colors, charcoals, beginning drawing, and Paper Mache. He is taking interests for an origami class. If interested, please e-mail him. Professor Lorne comes to us from Earth, and although he has been through boot camp, his mother reared him correctly in all things artistic.

Dr. Elizabeth "no nonsense" Weir will be instructing on Debate or the Art of Arguing. She also comes to us from Earth and is currently running Atlantis on top of her teaching. She will teach you the finer points of diplomacy with any race. She will also give a mini-course on How to Deal with Difficult People. Hermiod will be guest lecturing on proper alien protocol.

Miss Manners and Hyacinth Bucket will be instructing a course on etiquette. Miss Manners has an excellent background in this area and has written several books. We are so pleased to have such an experienced teacher in our midst. Mrs. Bucket is a homemaker and mother of one. She is also British, which tells you everything you need to know.

Hurling Insults will be a distance learning course (book and e-mail only). The only prerequisite needed is the ability to read. Guest speakers will appear spontaneously (randomly) via e-mail. Limited enrollment.

The Art of Cursing will have many guest lecturers included, but not limited to, Radek Zelenka (Czech), Professor Dex (Satedan), Professor Emmagan (Wraith and Athosian), Dr. Weir (English, French, Italian, German, Ancient), and possibly a marine or two. This class fills up quickly so we suggest registering early.

Field Survival for Dummies will be taught by Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. With guest lectures by Professors Emmagan and Dex, and a few high ranking military personnel.

Nurse Lynn will be teaching a brief, six week course in Field Medicine. This class also fills quickly, so again, please register as early as possible.

The laundry, maintenance, and kitchen crews will be teaming up to teach Home Economics. The basic subjects will be cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, sewing and basic room repairs. Guest lecturers will also be appearing.

The Creative Writing course will be taught by Colonel Steven Caldwell, who majored in English Literature at Colorado State on Earth. He needed a degree to make officer, he already knew English, and so he figured "why not?" This class is a distance learning course.

Math for Dummies and Mensa Math will be taught by Dr. Rodney McKay, in conjunction with all the other math majors currently on staff in Atlantis. He will teach the finer points of math from numbers and letters to math theories. Dr. Weir's course in Dealing with Difficult People is a prerequisite for these courses.

History of Pegasus and Milky Way galaxies will be instructed by Chuck, the gate technician. Who, it appears, does a lot of reading while sitting at his desk in the control room.

Psychology will be instructed by Dr. Kate "call me Kate" Heightmeyer. Subjects range from Freud to Nietzsche to dream interpretation. Warning: This class is not for the feeble minded.

Atlantis University Rules and Regulations

Students will arrive on time to classes and treat instructors with respect.

We are all adults; please try to act like one.

Excuses such as: "The Wraith ate my homework.", or "I forgot", will not be accepted. Why would your homework be with you on an off world mission? As for "I forgot" see rule 2.

All weapons and anything perceived to be a possible weapon will be checked with the instructor and can be picked up after class. All confiscated items will be up for auction at the end of every semester, with proceeds going towards the student aid fund.

For those of you taking self defense courses, a signed form from a certified MD will be required. Also an injury waiver will need to be brought to the first day of class.

There will be NO romantic involvement between a student and instructor for whatever reason. If a relationship is discovered, the student will forfeit classes and suffer the consequences of the Atlantis Gossip Club (which meets every coffee break on the west pier).

Clubs will have to be approved by the AU counsel. For those interested in starting one, please fill out form The-re-isno-Iin-team 06 in triplicate and give to one of the instructors.

Look with your eyes, not your hands.

We at AU hope our students will have a happy, productive and enlightening time. We are hoping to add more courses as interest in AU grows. Welcome students and have a productive day.

Sincerely,

The AU board members


	2. Psychology

Psychology as interpreted by Dr. Kate "Kate" Heightmeyer (please, call me Kate)

Good evening everyone. Welcome to Psychology. I am Kate, the resident Psychiatrist. Please don't get upset when I say the word Psychiatrist. If, at the end of the class, you still cringe at that word then by all means schedule an appointment with me. I am always open and available to talk for a nominal fee of $200 an hour. Just kidding that was a little Psychiatrist humor. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at right?

Syllabus:At the beginning of every class, we will stand and introduce ourselves (first names only please) and at the end of every class we will not say goodbye but have a group hug and wish each other well.

Week 1:Introduce the ID, Ego and Superego and their roles in dream interpretation. The only assignment for this week will be to have a dream, write it down and share with the class so they might help you to understand it. Read chapter 3 of your textbook concerning Freud and other dream interpreters.

Week 2:Left brain vs. Right brain and Reptilian brain function. Come prepared to use your brain in a way it has probably never been used before. To prepare for Reptilian brain function I suggest reading _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus_.

Week 3:Psycho-analysis and reincarnation. Keep a journal for one week on what you do your feelings and interactions with persons, etc. Come to class with a box of tissues. I will start the first session, and then the students will psychoanalyze each other for the remainder of class. Remember, we are all here to help each other. Read chapters 5-10 concerning proper doctor/patient interaction. Chapters 19-21 concerning your mother, your childhood (repressed or otherwise) and different cultures views on reincarnation.

Week 4:Pavlov and hypnosis. We will practice hypnotizing each other. Please come to class with little rest, as sleep aids immensely in the hypnotic process. Read Chapter 25 concerning experiments with animals and humans. Chapter 26 deals with Pavlov, students will please bring a bell, whistle or alarm clock to class.

Week 5:Subliminal (fake) messages and other tricks of the (feeble) mind. This session (experiment) will be conducted by me (Kate). Come with an open (closed) mind.

Week 6:As this is the final week we will conduct an open session where fellow students and all personnel can come in for a session or take the personality tests. Colonel Caldwell has volunteered a few of his Marines for this occasion.

In summary, I would like to congratulate you on your decision to take Psychology. I will leave you with my personal favorite quotes about Psychiatry:

_You are your own best friend and worst enemy. _(Unknown)

_Admitting it is the first step. _(Unknown)

_Do unto others as you would have done unto you, unless they do unto you first in which case you must open a large can of unto on them. _(Happy Bunny)

_Tell me about your mother. _(Freud)


	3. How to Deal with DIfficult People

How to Deal with Difficult People

Instructor: Dr. Weir

Good evening class. I am Dr. Elizabeth Weir, you may call me Dr. Weir. I am currently in charge of Atlantis. On Earth I brokered treaties and performed other duties for the U.N. I also had a stint as commander of Stargate Command. Please do not be intimidated, I am really a likeable person once you get to know me.

Class materials:Notebook, pen or pencil, your body in your seat on time. There is no textbook for this mini-class.

Syllabus:Week 1:We will be indentifying the four types of difficult people.

Know-it-alls

Negative people

Stallers (procrastinators)

Aggressors (hostiles)

Week 2:Break down the sub-types of people.

Bulldozers & Balloons

Silent, Unresponsive, super-agreeables and complainers

Stalling

Sherman tanks, snipers and exploders

Week 3:How to deal with all of these difficult types.

**DO **attempt to solve the problem

**DO **avoid creating barriers

**DO **respond without emotion

**DO NOT **ignore them

**DO NOT **criticize or ridicule

**DO NOT **preach, lecture, or threaten

**DO NOT **be defensive or argue

Week 4:A test on what we learned in weeks 1-3.

Week 5:The class will keep a journal on interactions with their co-workers. Describe which category they belong in, their behavior and how you dealt with them. You may not take

credit for diffusing the situation if the Military and/or myself had to be called in.

Week 6:I have a surprise for this week. We will be using the infirmary quarantine observation room to conduct "learning experiences" for the class. We will set up meetings between people, lock them in the room and then you will track them. I want a typed, double-spaced paper on who, what, where, your hypothesis and the actual outcome. The couples are as follows:

Dr. McKay vs. John Sheppard vs. Colonel Steven Caldwell

Ronan Dex vs unit of new Marines

Radek Zelenka vs. a toddler (The Athosians have graciously volunteered a child)

In closing I would like to thank all of you for participating in this class. I will leave you with a few words of wisdom:

_Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting someone else to do the work_ – John Pollard

_Coffee: Nectar of the Gods _– anonymous/Dr. Weir

_If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all_ – Thumper's mother


	4. Creative Writing

Creative Writing

A distance learning course with Colonel Steven Caldwell

TO:All creative writing students

FROM:Colonel Caldwell

SUBJECT:Assignment

This is Colonel Caldwell. You will address me as Sir. I am sending this e-mail in regard to your first creative writing assignment. First, I will review the course guidelines. All assignments will be given one week to complete and must be e-mailed to me by no later than 12:00 the day they are due. Please note the time difference between Earth and Pegasus is 2 days, plan accordingly. I will assess the assignment and e-mail results to the respective student. At the end of the stated six weeks I will meet with you personally to discuss your grade.

Your first assignment (should you choose to accept it) is to write poetry. All snickering, fore-head slapping and moaning will cease and desist immediately. Read chapters 1 and 2 to familiarize yourself with the different forms of poetry such as: Haiku, Limerick, Sonnet, etc., etc., etc. You may wax philosophical or nonsensical. I am told there is a great liking for free style poetry. You may do this if you so choose. I have written a poem for you to use as an example. See below paragraph for said example.

Flyboy

You know I am in the Air Force,

You can call me Sir, of course.

Don't get out of line or become whiney,

Because then I will have to go military on your hiney.

In parting, let me say that as my students you will be expected to practice personal hygiene and conduct yourselves in an appropriate manner. If I hear evidence to the contrary, the offending student will be dealt with accordingly. I will e-mail your next assignment at the proper time.

Class Dismissed.


	5. Hurling Insults

Hurling Insults

A collection of insults from an astonishing variety of sources

Chapter 1 (the first chapter)

If you haven't already guessed (big surprise), this class is about insulting someone (one person) or a group of persons (more than one). To start, we will go slowly and use small words (simpleton), then the words will get progressively larger (bigger). The first lesson will consist of (will be) tone of voice exercises. Please choose (pick) from the list of insults provided and practice yelling (yelling), screaming (loud yelling), quietly (softly) hurling them in the privacy of your own bedroom (by yourself). Look in the mirror and perfect your expressions (facial) to go along with your tone of voice (inflection). You will come to class prepared to hurl insults at each other. This is called application (applying what you learn). Lesson 2 will be an exercise in the field (field trip). The person to come to class the following day with the most bruises (contusions), scratches (cat fight) and/or a note (piece of paper) from the infirmary saying they will not be attending class, will receive an A (that's good). On to the list then(Go!):

I don't know what you have, but I am sure it's hard to pronounce.

Don't mind her, she's just made because a house fell on her sister.

Why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable, like a coma.

What part of NO do you not understand?

Pull your head out of your butt and open your eyes and ears.

Shhh. Listen. That's the sound of no one caring what you think.

I know you are, but what am I?

Me , You .

Your mother was a snowblower!

Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

I thought old bats could see in the dark?

Your knuckles are dragging.

Calling you stupid, would be an insult to stupid people.

So, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

Were you dropped as an infant?

Stupidhead!

Dorkhead!

Wraith lover!

You parents are living proof there is someone for everyone.

Does it hurt to be that ugly?

Life. Get one.

This list will do for now (more later). Enjoy (have fun) practicing on your own. Be prepared (ready) for the lessons by drinking enough water (stay hydrated), wearing a good pair of running shoes (no open toe sandals), wearing ear plugs (duh) and learn to not take things personally (don't be a wuss).

The instructors and guest speakers will be announced in later weeks (not now). We leave you now (bye) with this parting shot (ouch):

Beer doesn't give you beer goggles, it just makes people think that ugly people need sex too.

I am taking suggestions for the Art of Cursing class, if you know a foreign language insult or curse, let me have it (tee hee). Feel free to use these insults in RL, who knows, they could be fun! P.S. I wrote this after getting off work at 2 am and it had been an exceptionally long day. I was just blowing off steam. If anyone is offended by this, put your big girl panties on and get over it!


	6. Poetry Results

Thank you to everyone who R&R'd! Keep them coming. If there is something you would like me to write about, please let me know. Also, if the poetry muse grabs you in a good way send me an e-mail and I will give you your fifteen minutes.

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Colonel Caldwell Creative Writing submissions for Assignment 1

TO:Creative Writing Students

FROM:Colonel Steven "call me sir" Caldwell

SUBJECT:student poetry submissions

I was pleasantly surprised by the prompt response to my first assignment. The entries were numerous and varied. I have chosen some entries to share with you. The entries are as follows:

_Wraith, Asurans and Genii, Oh my!_

We came in peace to this city of the sea,

Little did we know who our enemies would be.

The wraith want to eat us, the Asurans hate us too

And the Genii, well lets say if they died we wouldn't go boo hoo.

Our uniforms are cool, the wraith have the best.

The Asurans are wanna be ancients and pests.

Genii are a pain and their outfits, I doth protest.

In closing let me say I prefer the Milky Way.

_A cow says_

Roses are red

Violets are blue

In the eyes of the Wraith

We say "Moo"

_Playing with food_

In a heated battle with the Wraith

It is best to play it safe.

Put your P90 on full auto

Pull the trigger and go full throttle.

If you hear a click

And trip in the grass

Don't put your head between your legs

And kiss you ass.

Get up and run

For the Wraith are just having a little fun.

As for the second assignment I want you to write a ballad on a subject of your choosing. You may put it to a tune already well known or keep us guessing. I look forward to reviewing them in one weeks time. That is all.


	7. survival of the dumbest

Disclaimer: blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah. Ditto.

Field Survival/ Medicine/Self Defense for Dummies

Hi. Um, I am Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. You may call me LC. I was told to come up with some sort of syllabus for you, so here it is:

Week 1 we will get to know each other. Knowing who you are with and what they are capable, or in some cases incapable of doing is a key to surviving anywhere. For this class all you need is your person.

Week 2 will grace us with the presence of Professor Dex aka Ronan or the big guy. Please note that if you wish to make it through his self defense class you will not refer to him as either. Professor Dex will enlighten us with stories from when he was a runner. No question and answer session will be allowed. Following Professor Dex, Nurse Lynn will come in for a crash course in field medicine. Please do not eat anything one hour prior to this class.

Week 3 will begin field trips. All students will be assigned to an off world team and will accompany them on no less than 3 missions. You are to take notes and of course participate as much as possible. Unless you are a geek, in which case you are to observe.

Week 4 will continue field trips.

Week 5 ditto.

Week 6 we have a special trip planned for you. Pending Dr. Weir's approval Professor Dex and I will fly you to the middle of nowhere on a planet of our choosing. You will be abandoned on said planet and if you do not return to the stargate in three days time, you will receive a posthumous F. Or is that an E?

In preparation for this class, you are required to read the text entitled _Field Survival for Dummies_ written by a few marines, Professor Dex and myself. This book has not yet been approved by the AU board, so read fast. Anyone caught sloughing or goofing off will be made to do laps with Professor Dex or learn the fine art of golf with me. Please have your release forms signed and into me by the end of the first class. That is all, and uh have a nice day.


	8. L'Art D'Art

L'Art d'Art

Hi there! I'm Major Marcus "my left foot" Lorne. Welcome to my art class. The first rule of art of any form is: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Which leads us to the second rule: Everyone is a critic. So please come to class with an open mind and make objective critiques of others works.

Week 1:We will start with sketching. This is the easiest way to start a project. You can learn to draw using shapes and then rounding off the rough edges or you can just memorize the subject, close your eyes and let the pencil take over. You may choose a subject of your own choosing. Please be advised that we work with your fellow students and/or subjects so nudes may make their life that much harder. In a manner of speaking, it would give new meaning to imagining everyone in their underwear.

Week 2:Watercolors are difficult to master, yet very appealing no matter what manner the artist chooses the employ them. There are several methods of painting that could be implemented please read the handout that will be accompanying this lesson.

Week 3:Charcoal drawings will be turned in. You may use the charcoals to enhance your sketch or you may choose to draw a new subject. Please do not cheat and go to the mainland for one of the Athosian drawings that they do so well. This will result in you becoming the nude model for this week's class. This could be a blessing or a curse to your fellow artists, so please think before you cheat.

Week 4:Classic oil paintings will be done this week. Please refrain from painting Atlantis tower scenes. We all love our new home; however we do not need to "see" it every day. Use one of your pictures from home for inspiration. You may also refer to Botticelli, Degas, Renoir and the like for inspiration. Mona Lisa knock offs will not be accepted.

Week 5:Modern oil paintings will be the theme for this week. You may use whatever medium you wish to employ the paints. Bodies or their respective parts, brushes, rollers, socks, underwear, sponges, forks, spoons, hair, etc……… Refer to works of Pollack, Wright, Dali and Picasso for the appropriate inspiration. All pieces must have a name when entered for grade. Put some thought into the names. For instance placing a black dot on a white canvas and calling it _Dalmatian_ is a bit shallow. Calling it _Angst_ or Black_ Hole on the edge of the Infernal Abyss_ would be much more intriguing.

Week 6:This will be a busy week for us. We will be taking a trip to the infirmary where Dr. Biro has graciously allowed us to work on paper mache by aiding the students of the self defense finals with their casts. If any of you are in Nurse Lynn's field medicine course, you will also receive extra credit for that class. When the plaster dries, you may, for extra credit, draw pictures on their casts. We will also be displaying your final projects in the corridor leading to the control room. Your final project will be a collage on whatever topic you see fit to share with us. Anything goes on this so let your creativity run amuck! I can't wait to see what you come up with. These will also need a name upon submission.

I look forward to instructing you in the fine yet fickle art of art. And in closing let me reiterate that some people have more flesh than two eyes can feast on so please keep some things under wraps! I am here if you need ideas but I don't pose for subject matter of any kind. Thank you all and have a great 6 weeks.


	9. Math for Dummies

TO:Those who think they are intelligent enough to attend my class

FROM:Dr. Rodney McKay aka your instructor

Okay, well as I am sure you know I do not have a lot of time so lets get started shall we? Ah yes, you are here to learn this thing called math. Yes, well uh, good luck with that. You see it starts with these things called numbers and then through a series of formulas and theories, one can figure out what those numbers mean. Got it? Good. Now onto Mensa math for Dummies. Ever heard of Newton, Einstein, Archimedes, Pythagoras, Hawking? Well, if you have not, then you can pick up your books and knuckles and shuffle down the hall crying sanctuary. The powers that be have demanded I supply you with a Syllabus thingy, so here goes:

Week 1: Show up to class and I will regale your feeble little minds with numbers and such. This will be the only classroom meeting we will have as A. I am too busy to deal with this right now and B. I don't like you people. So I will expect you to e-mail the assignments to me and when I get around to it, I will send them back by way of the departmental mail system.

Week 2: Watch the first half of the movie Contact. Write a paper discussing the complex theories of space and whether or not the theories are possible and why or why not. I do not want any discussions on how hot Jodie Foster is because the foxy scientist theory has been disproved already, I mean look around Atlantis right?

Week 3: Watch the last half of Contact and discuss the really cool, yet totally impossible machine that carried Jodie Foster to wherever. Did she actually go somewhere and meet with an intelligent being or if she did not, why did the mission fail? You will not receive an automatic "A" if you say that the mission failed because Dr. Rodney McKay was not on the team, although you would be right, but that is not the point of this exercise.

Week 4: I really have no idea what to do with you people so you can try and solve some of the more complex math theories. This week you can solve EMC2 . Yes you may do this as a class.

Week 5: This week you may embark on a the mathematical journey of a lifetime (literally) if you would like to start the formula 1023 . If you complete this in your lifetime, let someone know and hopefully you won't die before you receive the Nobel Prize. Remember your ever vigilant teacher in your speech.

Week 6:Each and everyone of you will be playing elimination round chess with Zalenka. The final challenger will have the chance to win the movie Contact, from Zalenka's personal collection. They will also have bragging rights, because no one has ever beaten him. Also if you beat him, I will consider giving you an "F" due to the fact that I will have to put up with his constant whining if he loses.

Well, it has been meaningful and fulfilling being your teacher. Why are you still reading this?! Shouldn't you be doing homework right about now? Yes you! Who else would I be addressing? Oh, by the way, your village called and their idiot is missing. Now shoo! Go! Leave already, I have important work to do. Wait, why am I still here writing this? See what you people have driven me to?! Oh and uh, P.S. My favorite caffeinated beverage is a triple mocha latte espresso with lots of foam. Just thought I would put that in there. Now I am really getting back to work. No really I am, just watch me…..


End file.
